I got faked out this morning. I became aware at some point that JD was still in bed, which meant his work was delayed. I figured "Great! More sleeping in!" And I turned off my alarm.
When I eventually got up (eight-ish) and stumbled downstairs, I found email from my job saying that there was no delay, i.e. get your lazy butt in to work. JD was still home, and had made blueberry pancakes and bacon. (NOM!)
So I ate pancakes and bacon and got to work late. Again. After spending half an eternity scraping snow and ice off my car. Seriously? That wasn't worth a couple of hours of delay?
It was a very quiet day at work. Even though we had no delay or anything. I guess everybody was hunkered down.
I was supposed to have yoga this evening, but I nevertheless bundled up in the afternoon and went for a nice walk in the snow. It was very pleasant. It all had that snowy smell to it. I realize that snow isn't supposed to have a smell. I guess it's more of a lack of dirt smell. Lack of dirt plus cold smells like snow to me.
Also I could easily see footprints. Cats, dogs (or foxes?), bunnies, deer, birds, and even two people. One of the people walked approximately twenty feet into the woods, turned around, and left again. I wonder what that was all about? You're up to walking in the snow for twenty feet but that's it? Why go in the first place?
When I got back I found email that yoga had been canceled, and then I was doubly glad I went. Sane-making walking time PLUS the only exercise I got today. I miss yoga. My whole body misses yoga. It said so pointedly the other day by aching between my shoulder blades.
While I was walking I thought (as usual) about thruhiking. And happiness. And how though I was pretty happy, I wasn't happy 24x7 when thruhiking. Is anybody super happy all the time? Maybe some monks in some Tibetan order? Or somebody on heavy medication? Anyway, it doesn't seem to be the normal state of being. Mostly you're busy, or something hurts, or you're having deep thoughts. Happiness seems to me more of an emotional spike than a constant. I wouldn't say I was mostly *unhappy*, either.. that's a spike in the other direction. It seems normal and okay to me to be happier sometimes than others. And I think it's perfectly okay to be unhappy sometimes. There are good reasons for it! Like discovering you have run out of chocolate and it's two days to the next store. Or your boots have suddenly started supplying you with intractable blisters. Or there's a jackhole in the shelter with you who won't shut up about something with which you disagree vehemently. Even the monks might lose their glow.
And yet, every so often, last year on the trail, somebody (usually a weekender) would tell me that if I didn't love every instant, I should go home. Which makes me wonder how they maintain a long term relationship. Or a job. It also makes me wonder why they felt qualified to judge me, but since they were strangers I guess I'll never know.
So. My personal feeling about these feelings is: it's okay. If you are generally miserable for days on end, perhaps this is not the right time or place for you. But if sometimes you're happy and sometimes you're not? That's just life.
PS: Speaking of happiness, I spent half an hour cuddling kittens on the guest bed, and that's very happiness-making. Except for the part where Nazca tried to jump up, failed, looked horrified, and ran away. That made me a little sad. He still hasn't come out of hiding. Poor little guy
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