Pervy dog brings our clothes out of the closet.

I just can't hide it anymore. The Schnork has a problem.  She's a perv.

At first she was rummaging in the laundry for my underwear.  Mortified, I brought in a tall laundry bin with a lid and started putting my underthings in it.  Because I'm not comfortable with anybody licking my underwear, that's why.  But apparently it wasn't about me.  Because the Schnork started finding JD's boxer shorts.

And so now I regularly wake up with a pair of my husband's boxer shorts on the sheepskin next to my side of the bed, and not because we've been doing the nasty.  No, the Schnork has been getting nasty.  I can't imagine what the attraction is of a used pair of underwear, but apparently it's obvious to the Schnork.  Sometimes I hear her rummaging around in the laundry, and I sleepily remonstrate.  "Schnork!  You stop that!"  And then she pauses until I fall back asleep.

As far as I can tell, she isn't destroying our underwear.  She's just... licking it.  Lovingly.

I haven't had a dog with this particular perversion before.  I have no idea what to do.  I mean, how do you shame a pervert?  She doesn't care.  She has no shame.  This is the same dog who schnorks at me until I pick her up and stroke her naked belly until she falls asleep and starts shnoring on my chest.  I have nothing to work with. 

Have I mentioned recently how good the Schnork is making Beauty look?  Beauty is a saint.  All she wants is the occasional sweet potato treat and to get scritched behind her ears at bedtime.  The Schnork finally trained us not to make her go outside, which means she excretes indoors at all times.  And she only mostly hits the wee pad.  Sometimes she is only wee pad adjacent.  You know what's fun?  Trying to pick up a wee pad so that the wet parts on the underneath don't drip.  We need to buy stock in the pee-destroying enzyme company.

Do you have  a pervy dog?  More importantly, do you have a previously pervy dog?  What did you do about it?  Did it involve cayenne peppers?  We have questions.

State of the Schnork, August 2012

It's been a while since we've had a Schnork update.  I must say, the Schnork is starting to shape up.  Once we pulled up everything resembling a carpet and layered the house with wee pads, we had no more accidents.  Except that one.

She still doesn't come when called, or sit on command, or in fact do any other doglike obedient things.  But she does sit when she wants your food.  So there's that.  And she does fetch the squirrel, repeatedly, until you would really like to be done throwing the squirrel now please but she is still trying to get you to take it from her.

Really our biggest problem right now is that Beauty has decided to ignore the existence of the Schnork, and thus mows her down every time she runs down the hallway.  The Schnork is rightfully indignant and will undoubtedly sustain a rotator cuff injury soon.  I mean, it's mayhem in the hallway.  Beauty steps right ON the Schnork, or runs over the top of her, or sits on her, or beats her with her beefy Labrador tail.  And then she tries to pretend that she doesn't know why I'm yelling at her.

Do you think it's like True Blood, when somebody in the pack has done something just too awful, like get a really bad geometrical haircut, and they abjure the person/wolf?  Maybe Beauty has abjured the Schnork.  Then she couldn't be held responsible for mowing her down several times a day, because she LITERALLY DOESN'T SEE HER.  THE SCHNORK DOES NOT EXIST FOR HER.  Stupid asymmetrical haircut.

In other Schnork news, she managed to use a tool today, kind of, and I'm having to revise my opinion of her intelligence upward.  The sunroom is right behind my desk, and I realized I'd been hearing quite a lot of schnorking in there this morning so I turned to look.  And I saw the Schnork standing on top of a cat scratching post type item.  It's in the shape of an S, and it's pretty lightweight.  She had pushed it across the room and then stood on the upmost curve of the S so she could try to lick the remainder of the cat food out of Andy's bowl, which was on a chair too high for her to reach.  That's pretty ingenious for a dog, let alone a Schnork.  My theory is that although she has a tiny brain, she isn't using much of it to control her body (because there's so little to control).  So she has more brain than expected available for fiendish planning.

This blog isn't dead. A little tired, maybe.

eArThworm complained that I hadn't written in a while.  Which is true.  Having a Schnork takes up a lot of my time.  As does preparing for a long distance hiking trip.  And writing speeches.  I'm a vice president now.  I have responsibilities.

But mostly I got tired of spending time writing every night.  It's tiring.

See, this is an example.  I *just* started typing and the Schnork walked up and stared at me and schnorked at me.  It's like having a toddler.  She's going to go write on the walls with marker if I don't pay attention to her.  So now I have to type with her on my lap, schnorking and licking at me.

Anyway, I didn't die.  I'm leaving on a nearly three week hike in a few days.  I mailed out my boxes to Hanover and Glencliff today.  Only a couple more things to do, and if they don't get done it won't be the end of the world.  And a couple of doctor appointments, spa day for Beauty, cleaning up the house so the maids can make the surfaces nice.. the usual carp.

And worrying about Andy, who is losing weight.  Being the nutjar that he is, I never figured he'd be a tremendously long lived cat, but getting tired and skinny at his tender age (he's only nine!) is unexpected.  We're waiting on some test results from the vet.

Also, I discovered Words with Friends and I spend approximately seven hours per day beating my husband at it now.

Long story short, don't expect much from me.  I'm going on vacation.