So, you may not know this but I am not super outgoing. Online, yes. I will tell total strangers about every incident in my day. I will do so at length, and occasionally with good spelling. I organize my thoughts .(... ish) I start somewhere and end somewhere. No problemo.
I have no problem with small groups, either. Small groups of friends, small groups of strangers, whatever. I can talk to you. I can smile and laugh and make conversation and track what is being said. I can make a funny. Perhaps I occasionally lose my train of thought, but who doesn't? Plus I've had many head injuries so some occasional loss of trains is to be expected.
However, if we increase that small group to small crowd level? Everything quits working. As soon as my hindbrain processes that all attention is on me, my autonomic nervous system goes to hell. My ears buzz, my face flushes, my heartbeat races, and very shortly after that my mind goes blank. I lose my command of English. I actually have a somewhat easier time speaking to groups in Spanish because all of my being is concentrating on vocabulary and conjugations. But in English, my first language, the language of my heart? I am an idiot. Shortly, a silent idiot, as my mouth runs out of pre-planned words and my brain gives me that hands-upraised, "I got nothin' " look. I am lucky if my brain retains the ability to guide me back to my seat.
And it's not that I'm scared of public speaking. The idea does not give me the heeby jeebies. I found out the hard way that my brain had seceded, one day, when I went up to the conference room as the Nerd in Residence to explain to all the scientists how to use the X-Terms for their meeting. No big, right? I had given the same talk forty or fifty times to individual users. And, I knew most of the people in the conference room. So no one was more surprised than I when my brain went blank. Luckily, people never follow directions anyway so it didn't really matter what I said.
Hand in hand with my brain problem, I have become less comfortable with crowds on every level. Crowded restaurants, movie theaters, conventions, shopping malls.. hate 'em. I couldn't swear to you that there is a link, but it sort of walks like a duck doesn't it?
All of that was a really long introduction. Which I could not have said out loud to you if we were sitting in a room together.
This year, during my annual review, my manager asked me about professional goals. I told him that I was long past the time when I should have been writing and presenting papers in my field (i.e. nerdism.) I don't think he had realized the extent of my disability before. I filled him in on the heart, ears, face, brain thing. And it turns out that he had a solution. Toastmasters. (He didn't mention the whole "I was president of Toastmasters" thing.) He (being really good, by now, at persuasive speaking) persuaded me to join Toastmasters to overcome my issues with public speaking. Much as I wanted to, I couldn't disagree with it being a good idea. It is completely obvious that I need to solve my problem. So, I agreed. I said that I wanted to wait until after my hike this year, and then also after some huge changes that had to happen at work. But I set a definite starting date - the first meeting in November.
Today, I went to my first Toastmasters meeting. It was awful. For one thing, I *hate* anything resembling parliamentary procedure thanks to my early introduction to it through youth groups. (I am aware that the early introduction was supposed to prepare me for competent use of the parliamentary procedure in adulthood rather than imbue me with a lifelong distaste for the stuff. It didn't work.) Also, thanks to Three's Company I have an instinctive cringe-and-avoid response to other incompetent public speakers. And nobody is at Toastmasters because they lo-o-ove the public speaking. Just sitting there while nervous people gave presentations made me want to run away. But I didn't. I clapped on cue, mostly, and when they pushed me to join the group in giving a one minute speech on a topic which they handed to me, I did it. Because that's why I went. You have to suffer to achieve some goals. And I suffered. I did okay for thirty seconds, and then my brain seized up, and then I had to just stand there and say (out loud) "I guess I'm done." My manager, who was judging grammar and vocal pauses, if I recall the phrase correctly, said that at least I didn't use any "um er ah" type words. So that was good.
At the end of the meeting I had to introduce myself. Which I did willingly. I have no problem with standing up and getting started. But again, thirty seconds in, I had no idea what I was talking about and I just trailed to a stop. Oh god. I have got to get better at this stat because I can't stand the torture.
Afterward, I walked back to my office. My heartrate was still increased. My chest was tight. I felt jittery. And it all STAYED THAT WAY FOR HOURS. I could seriously have used some xanax.
I'll be going back to the next meeting in two weeks. And I will keep doing this, hammering my brain on its thumb, until it gives up and lets me talk in public.
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