I won! I won!

Today was not what I would call a productive day.  I was pretty much just a warm butt in a seat today.  Or a cold butt in the hot seat.  The point is, my posterior was there.  On furniture.

I fretted my way through the morning, and inexplicably got in a loud argument with my coworker.  About unix.  About linux.  About which was which and why.  Apparently, this is one of the few issues he feels very strongly about.  It wasn't just the regular "I'm a man so if I yell louder than you I've won" kind of yelling.  He meant it. He was upset.  When I realized that even though I thought he was wrong, (not that I could prove it without a time machine or a personal reference I was never likely to have) I really didn't care, I backed off.  Wow.  I so do not ever need to be in an argument about linux.  I mean, not a philosophical/historical one.  Because I really DON'T care.

Between sitting and yelling, it got to be time to leave for Toastmasters.  I was all ready, with just the right amount of time to walk over there and not be early.  (Most people do not appreciate me being early.)  I walked out the door and across the parking lot and realized that I had left my pen on my desk.  Shit!  I turned around and hustled back into the building at a fast walk, mindful of my spine's pissy mood whenever the topic of running comes up.  When I got there, no pen.  WTF! I had a white pen with a green cap.  On my desk.  Specially placed there so I could take it to the meeting with me.  I stared at my empty desk for a few seconds, then grabbed a pen with no cap and resigned myself to writing on the inside of my jacket with my uncapped pen.  Then I walked back out, now on schedule to be late.  Dammit.

Once at the correct place, I walked in, signed the guest book, and sat down a minute before they started the meeting (five minutes late at 11:35.)  I am never going to be able to convince myself to leave in time to show up just on time again.  For the next year, or however long it takes me to work through the program, I'm going to be early to Toastmasters.

Surprisingly, even though I agitated about it all this week and this morning, I was fine in the meeting.  Calm.  A total turnaround from last time.  I wonder if Pluto has worn off on me?  That's how he learns.  He totally freaks out the first time, has major hissy fits, and two weeks later he acts like he's always known the thing in question.  We might have more in common than I thought.

As I was a guest, I had no formal role in the meeting.  Almost everybody has a role - to count ballots, or start the meeting, or keep track of grammar, and so on. The two speakers were two of the oldest members, so of course they had very good speeches.  I paid close attention, trying to pick out behavioral details.  Repeated use of a phrase for emphasis, facial expressions and gestures, movement about the room.  I'm sure my materials, once I eventually get them, will fill me in.  Both speeches were apropos.  The first encouraged us to take a break from our gadgets over the holiday, and to use that time to interact with the people in the room with us at home.  (An especially well directed message in a room full of nerds.)  The second was a reading of a speech written by another, in this case a story that I had only heard before in song form.  I was a little distracted by my constant mental comparison of the story to the song, but the story was good.  The story was "The Gift of the Magi" by O. Henry aka William Sydney Porter, and I recommend it in either short story or song format.  The song version (there are several) is "Gift of the Magi" by the Squirrel Nut Zippers.

Following that we entered the dreaded (by me) Table Topics portion of the meeting.  This time, the Table Topics Toastmaster decided to do a round robin format.  She started a story about Thanksgiving, and then the person on her right took up the thread.  We all had one to two minutes to add our part, and then the next person took over.  It was actually fun.  I can't believe I wrote that.  It was fun.  Not scary.  I enjoyed it.  I also didn't quite make it to the one minute mark, but I did better than last week.  Last week I made it 25 or 30 seconds before my brain went blank.  This week I made it to 55 seconds.  Without my own timer I had no way of knowing how long I had spoken, and I wasn't actually sure they were timing because I hadn't seen the green light go on for the first speaker.  Anyway, I said my part (which involved the dog stealing the turkey (based on a real incident in my life)) and turned to the fellow next to me.  My brain wasn't blank, it just seemed like the right point to hand the story over.  5 more seconds!  Next time I keep watch for the light and make something else up until it glows.

Almost every portion of the meeting is voted on - best speaker, best evaluator, best table topic.  And I am proud to report that today, on my second try, I won Best Table Topic.  (Technically, it was a tie between me and the vice president, but she graciously gave the ribbon to me.  I'm sure she has 497 ribbons.)  As it's a ballot vote, my five second lack didn't count against me.  And I have proof!

I wrote the date on the back and pinned it to my cube.

I am not proud of many accomplishments in my life.  Either they came too easily to me, or I felt that I had not achieved my goal as well as I wished.  But this stupid little ribbon?  This I am proud of. It is a concrete thing showing that I am overcoming a phobia.  And it's something I did all by myself.  I feel as though I have just taught myself to play oboe and have won my first amateur oboe contest.  Also, as I am hypo-competitive, I have had very few opportunities to win contests in my life.  Although now I suppose I'll have an opportunity every two weeks.

It's just a guess, but I think I am going to have difficulty with humor when it comes to the real speeches.  If I do have to have people hear me speak in a group, I am most comfortable making a joke.  I *always* make a joke.  Jokes are not always appropriate.  But I will deal with that when the time comes.

I was pretty high on life with my fancy ribbon when I left the meeting, but I was immediately brought back to earth on the walk back:

Crap!

A tick.  Yay.  It didn't bite me of course but I'm feeling mighty paranoid now.