I am, apparently, old.

A company nurse called me.  I participate in a "Well Aware" program.  They chose me, believe me.  I did not seek them out.  They looked at the charts and said "Pasty white sysadmin, fat, not so healthy.  Better keep tabs on this one or she will cost us, whooee."  Or at least that is how I imagine their meeting going.

First they tell you that they are recording the call for "quality control" purposes.  I wonder what quality is ever controlled through recorded phone calls?  But as you know I am right out there with my bidness on the internet, so what do I care?  Fire away.  Ask me about my noxious gas, right up next to the recorder there. [1]

So first she asks about my diet and exercise, and she is all impressed with me.  Look at me, I lost several pounds!  Woot!  Although it was supposed to be several pounds times three.  But still, downward trending.  Also I confirmed that I eat lots of fruits and vegetables.  She did not ask for details or I would have told her about the banana, apple, onion, brussels sprouts, lettuce, cucumber, and tomato I ate yesterday.  However now I have told you so I can feel good about myself.

And she asked my waist size.  Again she was thrilled.  Less heart disease!  Probably!  Also less we have to pay out!

But then.. then she started making casual remarks like "Has a doctor talked to you about taking aspirin daily?"  And "Have you gotten a pneumonia shot?"  These are OLD PEOPLE questions, lady.  I am not old.  Ask my mother, she'll tell you.  I may not be a whippersnapper, and I may be wearing a back brace this very moment, and I may have started saying "Back in my day" before every sentence, but I'm not OLD.  Do old people wear wizard hats?

Actually maybe they do.  In the movies all the wizards have long white beards, right?  That might imply that they're old.

So the gist of the call was "Yay for you, you're really holding off the ravages of old age well!  Keep it up, but definitely start taking preventative measures because that old age bus is about to run you DOWN little wizard, and it is starting with your lungs and your heart."  Boy, was I cheerful after that.

Also, next week is my birthday.  I'm turning old.

[1] The noxious gas discussion came later in the day.  And I was talking to the vet, about the dog.  Though my coworkers didn't realize that fact at the time, and they were getting pretty uncomfortable with overhearing the conversation. "I can live with the noxious gas," I said.  "I don't want to change any of the food."  I imagine they will soon be bringing in personal respirators to wear around the office.  Maybe they will casually leave simethicone capsules around in pleasant candy-type dishes.